I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
