so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
God, I missed his penis.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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