I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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