Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
