I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
