she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
