We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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