but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
