Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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