he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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