when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
