she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
