Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
