whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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