When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
