i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
