The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
