Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
