My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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