I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
and she was petting her beer can
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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