you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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