Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
