Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
North Korea, Best Korea!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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