My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
