are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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