Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
