HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
