All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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