Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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