I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
