Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
