Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
