im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
