I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
