were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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