Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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