Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
