the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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