She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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