I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
