Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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