That's when you crack a 10am beer
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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