what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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