My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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