i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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