I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
