your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just cropdusted the office
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
