haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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