Your dad touched me again.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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