i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Someone came in the potted fern
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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