If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
