They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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