Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
