Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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