My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
